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~May 2, 2008, the last day of “Twilight” shooting~
I didn’t sleep all night. I laid there next to Mike, staring at the ceiling. He always woke up on and off during the night and every time he woke up, he looked at me and asked if I’d gotten any sleep. I’d tell him no, then he would roll back over and start snoring again. I hated his snoring.
At three in the morning, I finally got out of bed.
All I could think about was the end of this movie. It felt really transitional. I’d never felt this at the end of making a movie before. Usually there was a grieving period when a movie wrapped, but right now it felt like someone was dying.
I went into the bathroom and changed into jeans, a Joy Division t-shirt, and a pair of black converse. I grabbed my set coat on the way out; it was a puffy black jacket that went past my knees. It was unattractive, but comfortable, and it kept me warm and dry during the cold, rainy days on set.
I took a cab to the set that morning, since I wanted to get there early to reminisce in my trailer. When I opened up the door to my trailer, the tears started to well up in my eyes immediately. I looked around at all of the pictures that I’d hung up in there to make it feel comfortable. There was one of me, Nikki, and Anna Kendrick. One of me and my two “dads,” Peter Facinelli and Billy Burke. A few of Rob and I. One of me with the Cullen ladies and a few I snapped of people during their lunch breaks for boredom purposes.
The shoot took exactly forty-four days, but it felt more like four days. I’d met some of the best people and I didn’t know when or if I would ever get the chance to spend a decent amount of time with them again. If the movie didn’t do well, we wouldn’t make sequels. During shooting today, and during the after party tonight, might be the last time everyone was all together.
I went over to my makeup chair and sat there, tucking my knees into my chest and resting my feet in the empty space left on the chair. I started to cry more than I’d cried in so long. I was always severely emotional, but not really a crier. Crying felt good sometimes. And it felt good right now, in regards to the movie itself. I was completely content with how everything turned out and the scenes that we had left to film today weren’t going to be difficult. The thing I didn’t feel good about was not seeing these people every day. Forty-four days was all it took for me to care so deeply about every single member of this cast.
Without even realizing that the time was speeding by, it was already five o’clock in the morning. I looked in the mirror and got myself together, blotting my eyes with a tissue.
I heard a single bang on the door of my trailer and knew it was Rob - he always knocked like that. I smiled a little to myself, nostalgic of the fact that this was the last time I would hear that knock on this trailer. So ridiculous.
I opened up the trailer door and saw Rob there, looking upset. Usually he had a huge smile on his face in the morning.
“Why didn’t you drive to set with the rest of the cast? Last day and now you’re too good for us?” A hint of a smile was tugging at his lips, but he still looked really distraught.
“Sorry, I took a cab here early. I couldn’t sleep and I just wanted to be here to…say goodbye properly or something. It’s stupid.”
He shook his head at me. “It’s not stupid. I didn’t sleep last night either. I watched a movie and wound up crying.” I thought he was joking, but his face was serious.
“What a baby.” I rolled my eyes and forced a smile.
He looked at me with a sarcastic smile. “You’re not really going to deny that you were crying, are you? I can tell, Kristen.”
“What if I was?” I raised my eyebrow at him.
“I don’t know, but you better have gotten it all out. I don’t like people crying around me.”
After hair and makeup was finished, Rob and I walked onto set together and found out that MTV was there, waiting for us to do interviews. We met with the interviewer a few times before today, Larry, who was very nice. He told us that they would reveal a clip from our interviews every Tuesday, deeming it “Twilight” Tuesday on MTV. It was weird how much bigger this was becoming than what I’d envisioned.
Once the interview started, it was easy to forget that it was the last day on set. We laughed a lot and we were probably really annoying because we never gave straight answers to the questions. Rob always made a joke out every question and I was the same way whenever I was around him.
After the interview we, ironically, filmed the scene where Edward is first seen by Bella. The final shot was the goodbye scene in the Cullen’s garage. Rob and I both weren’t expecting that to be as emotional as it was, but I was about to cry for the second time that day and so was he. It was a good way to end the shoot even if it sucked emotionally. It felt like a real end.
Everyone clapped for us after the final shot, including the other cast members that were in the background of the scene. Rob and I looked at each other as they clapped, then began to laugh to cover up our obvious sadness to see this come to an end. I hugged Catherine and all of the cast members, thanking them.
I finally got to Rob and he lifted my feet off of the ground, giving me the best, tightest hug. I wiggled my way out of his arms and smiled at him. “I’m going to miss you most.” I smiled, then walked away before he could say anything.
Mike was already there to pick me and Nikki up. I didn’t talk much on the ride home; Mike and Nikki did most of the talking, to each other. All I wanted was to get showered and go to the wrap party with the cast.
The wrap party was located in the hotel ballroom. The entire cast would be there, even people that already wrapped were coming back to Oregon for the party. I wanted to arrive there early, but I managed to be late accidentally.
When I walked down the hallway, to the elevator, there was no noise coming from any of the rooms that cast members were staying in. I was getting a little bit nervous, thinking about what Kristen said about how she was going to miss me earlier. I dissected almost everything she said to me and I did the same with this. Was she not planning on seeing me again, until the movie press, or a sequel? It never even crossed my mind that she wouldn’t want to; I knew I wanted to hang out with her outside of this, as friends.
I made my way into the ballroom and heard someone scream my name when I walked in, then everyone started to clap. This wasn’t my thing. This party was for everyone, and even though I was a lead, this wasn’t just for me. Everyone worked so hard.
I smiled, waved, then proceded inside. I walked over to Nikki’s table and greeted her first.
“Why are you so late?” She asked me, sipping the glass of red wine in her hand.
“I don’t even know. I took a shower, got dressed, packed a bit…and three hours went by.” I laughed. “I need a beer. I’ll see you around.”
I walked away from her and went over to the bar. The bartender handed me a Heineken and I took a sip, letting out an audible“Ahhh” right after. I wrapped two of my fingers around the top of the beer bottle awkwardly, but comfortable for me, (everyone always said I held things weird) then scanned the room for familiar faces. I saw Catherine talking to Billy in the distance and gave her a wave, then I felt a little pinch at my side and turned around, laughing.
“Hey, you.” She said, then smiled. She looked drunk.
“Did you drink something?”
“Is it that obvious?” She rolled her eyes. “They just gave me some champagne to celebrate, but I’m such a light weight when it comes to alcohol, I swear. It should wear off soon.” She shook her head and I started to laugh.
“Are you laughing at me?”
“Yes, at you. Note ‘at.’” I took another sip of beer and smiled at her.
She rolled her eyes at me again. “I need a smoke. Let’s ditch.”
She walked ahead of me and I noticed what she was wearing. I never really looked at her clothes, but tonight was different. She had on a silvery grey mini dress with sneakers and her hair was down, just past her shoulders, in loose waves. She looked amazing next to my dirty pair of black jeans and grey, plaid button down shirt that I forgot to button up all the way.
We walked outside the double glass doors of the ballroom and sat down on a very uncomfortable bench, the only one out there. I pulled out a cigarette and lit it up, then put it in between her lips. She sucked in and then pulled it out of her mouth with her thumb and pointer finger, handing it to me. I did the same. We always shared cigarettes.
“When I get cancer half as fast, I’ll thank you.”
She sighed and cocked her head to the side, her ear closer to the wall of the hotel. “Are they playing your song?” She smiled. I listened in and, sure enough, they were. They were playing “Never Think” which was a song I sung that my friend Sam Bradley had written. I shook my head, extremely embarrassed at the thought of everyone at the party listening to my fucking voice in there. I needed to be more drunk for this.
We finished up the cigarette quickly and walked back inside. Catherine was on the microphone and when she saw me walk in, she shouted over the music. Even on a microphone, this woman didn’t know the meaning of an inside voice.
“There he is, ya’ll! Rob, you missed it. I can’t believe you weren’t in the room. I just announced that two of your songs, “Never Think” and “Let Me Sign” will officially both be in the movie and on the soundtrack!” She cackled into the microphone. “Come up here!”
My eyes shot open and I looked over at Kristen, who was laughing and clapping. The whole room started to clap. I didn’t know whether to be proud or scared, but I decided not to be negative for once. It was just a small movie and maybe this could discretely break me into doing my music properly.
I went up to the microphone and Catherine handed me a shot glass to “celebrate.” I took the shot reluctantly, (hard alcohol wasn’t my thing) and thanked everyone, giving a special thanks to Nikki for showing my music to Catherine. Nikki came up to the middle of the dance floor and hugged me. I set the microphone down on the dj’s table and then walked back to Nikki’s table with her to eat our dinners.
Rob looked genuinely happy up there, thanking everyone, and I could not be any happier for him if I tried. I watched him walk off with Nikki and then turned around, defeated. I wasn’t jealous of their friendship, because what Rob and I had was great, but rather, I was jealous that he showed her his music first.
We spent so much time together and he didn’t show me his music until Nikki mentioned it one day in passing. It was so personal to him; if she hadn’t said anything that day, I bet he wouldn’t have let me hear it at all. I think it was because of something Nikki told me. She told me that he was scared of “falling for me,” so he left me out of a lot of his personal shit. It was really mature of him and I respected that, but I also wished it didn’t have to come to that.
I walked over to my table, where Mike was sitting, and we ate our dinners together, though I didn’t really touch my plate.
After we were finished, everyone was getting more drunk, and the dance floor was filling up. Mike went up there and started dancing with everyone. He was a really good dancer and he loved to show it off, but dancing wasn’t my thing. I looked over to Rob’s table and he was sitting there with Anna, so I walked over and sat with them. Eventually, Anna got up and started dancing, so only Rob and I were left.
Rob was drunk, but he still refused to dance. I didn’t blame him; he was so uncoordinated.
“We’re such party animals.” I joked, nudging him in the leg.
He laughed. “Let’s go back outside.” He wobbled up to his feet and I grabbed his arm, steadying him. This was the most drunk I’d ever seen him, but he was the happiest drunk. He smiled the whole way out the door and gave a few people who were dancing a thumbs up as we walked by.
I stuck my hand into his pocket and grabbed his lighter and cigarettes and lit one up once we were outside, on the same bench as earlier. Rob stared at me as I took the first drag from the cigarette.
“You’re so pretty.” He said, giggling like a little girl.
I laughed, ignoring him, but he kept on staring at me.
“I think you should put down the beer. You’ve had just about enough for the night, what do you say?”
“I’m not telling you you’re pretty because I’m drunk.” Yes, he was. He’d never say this sober. I don’t know if he was thinking it, but he wouldn’t have said it sober.
“Stop.” I shook my head and took another drag from the cigarette, holding in the smoke for a few seconds before letting it out into the cold air.
I looked around, behind me, and then when I turned back around, Rob was on the floor in front of me, on one knee and holding his lighter in his cupped hands.
“Are you fucking kidding me? Get the fuck up.” I threw the cigarette to the ground and started laughing, but he was looking at me with these huge puppy eyes.
“Will you marry me?” He laughed a little and he had on the biggest grin I’d ever seen.
“Rob! Oh my god. Wait until I tell you about this tomorrow.” I started to laugh harder.
“I’m serious.” He stopped smiling.
I looked at him, wide-eyed.
He looked back at me.
“Shut up. Oh my god.” I stood up from the bench and pushed his shoulder. “Stand up!”
He started to laugh again, then he finally stood up and muttered under his breath, “I was really serious.”
“Sit.” I told him, then lit up another cigarette and handed it to him, taking his beer out of his hand and setting it down on the ground. “Smoke.”
We spent the rest of the after party together, just the two of us, smoking and joking. But, thankfully, no more proposals.
I didn’t sleep again that night. Rob and I stayed outside talking until the sun started to rise and we had to walk around to the main hotel door because they locked the ballroom door. No one even checked on us, not even Mike, they just let us have our fun for the last time.
Rob and I were on the same flight, which was leaving at seven in the morning. Nikki and Mike were on the flight too, along with some other cast members who were flying to LA.
We had three seats next to each other, and one by itself. Nikki, Mike and I sat together, and Rob sat in the one by himself, towards the back of the plane. I peaked back at him a few times and he was sleeping for the whole ride there.
When we landed, I waited at my seat, letting Nikki and Mike go out ahead of me.
“How’s the hangover?” I asked him, then pushed my sunglasses off of my head, over my eyes.
“Not as bad as it probably should be. How drunk was I? I don’t remember anything.” He said, then motioned for me to walk out ahead of him.
“Really drunk. You proposed to me.” I laughed under my breath, remembering. “It was the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Me proposing to you is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever seen? You need to get out more. And I think I would remember proposing to you.”
I stopped walking and turned around to face him. “You did! It is imprinted in my memory and I have no solid proof, but believe me, it’s not forgettable. You will never live this one down.” I made a little Hmph sound and turned around, continuing to walk.
“Whatever.” He was laughing now. “How are we going to do this goodbye thing?”
I kept walking, turning my head back a bit as I spoke to him, “What goodbye? It’s May and we have to go to Comic Con at the end of July, and maybe some other stuff in between. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
“The end of July? That’s a really long time.” He sighed.
“We might have a photoshoot or some press junkets or something and we’ll keep in touch.”
We were walking into LAX now and I saw Mike and Nikki standing off in the distance. I turned to face Rob and gave him a hug. He leaned down and kissed me on the cheek.
“My agent is right over there. You better not forget about me. Promise we’ll keep in touch?”
“I won’t forget and yes, I promise.” I smiled at him and then watched him walk away.
“You coming?” Mike yelled to me.
“Yes.” I said under my breath, walking towards him and Nikki.
~Two days after wrapping “Twilight”~
I woke up around noon with a pounding headache from the previous night. Some of my friends from London came to LA and we went out to a bar. They were all gone now and I was laying in my hotel room, alone.
Only one day passed since I finished working and, already, I was going crazy. I rolled over and reached my arm out, grabbing the pen and paper on the side table and started to write. I hadn’t written in awhile and it took everything in me to be inspired, but I was feeling sad enough that morning, so I wrote a possible chorus for a song, and then took a shower.
When I got out, I saw my phone sitting on the bed and decided to text Kristen. One day seemed a little desperate, but when you’re just friends, things like this are normal, right?
“Just keeping in touch like we promised. Call me sometime. x” I hit send and got dressed, then looked back at my phone, and she was calling. Fuck. I wasn’t expecting her to call right this minute.
“Hello?” I answered, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
“Hey! I just finished doing a photoshoot with some other young actresses. I’m on my way home now. How are you? Are you still in LA?”
I wasn’t expecting her to be so enthusiastic. I don’t know why I thought it would be any different than the bond we formed while filming. Clearly, she was the same Kristen. “Oh, cool. Yeah, I am. I went out with some friends last night and I just woke up a little while ago. Your day is sounding more productive than mine.” I laughed into the phone and laid my back down onto the bed, my legs still hanging off the side.
“Do you want to do something?” She asked. “Don’t feel obligated. I just know you don’t have a lot of friends here and I have nothing going on, so we could hang out, if you want?”
I sat back up and paused for a minute. “Yeah, absolutely. I’m staying at the Chateau Marmont and I have no car, so if you don’t mind swinging by…”
“I’m right near there. Can you be ready in five minutes?”
“Yeah, see you soon.”
Kristen picked me up and we went to the video rental store together. We picked up five movies and spent the entire day and part of the night watching them in my messy hotel room. We watched “Last Tango in Paris,” one of the movies that we watched during filming. And “One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest,” one of my personal favorites that she hadn’t seen before, along with three others that were new to both of us.
We talked a lot and I didn’t want her to leave, but she eventually did, promising that we would get together again soon.
Almost one month passed and I hadn’t seen Kristen at all. We texted every once in awhile, and every time we contacted, she was either with her family, Michael, or Nikki. I was always out drinking, in my hotel room, or with whatever ones of my friends were in town.
I desperately wanted to go back to London, but I had to make an appearance at the MTV Movie Awards on the first of June, so it didn’t make sense to go back for such a short period of time.
~MTV MA’s 2008~
I put on my suit just a few minutes before I had to leave, still hung-over from the night before. I wanted to see Kristen, but I knew Michael would be there, and she never really spent time with me when he was around. Something was weird about him; he never even said as much as “hello” to me unless I said it first.
I arrived at the carpet and Kristen met me by the car after I was dropped off.
“Kristen, Mike.” I said, uncomfortable. I pulled at the bottom of my shirt and fixed my pants to make sure everything was in place from the car ride there, then put on my Ray Bans. “You look nice.” I said, looking toward Kristen.
Michael grabbed her hand. “Thanks.”
Really, man? Fuck you.
My new bodyguard, Dean, walked us onto the carpet and Michael tagged along behind us. Michael stayed back while Kristen and I took pictures. She folded her arms across her chest for the majority of the pictures and I had a feeling it was because Michael was watching us. Was he really insecure or something? I put my arm around her and smiled for the cameras, then walked over to the press line with her.
As we walked by the crowds, I heard someone scream “Robsten.”
I looked over at Kristen. “Did they just call us Robsten?” She asked me.
“Yeah, I’ve seen that online as well.” I laughed and we kept walking.
We did a few interviews. The question of the day was about our chemistry. Slightly awkward, but we laughed it off each of the roughly one thousand times we got asked. Kristen was being distant, not her usual joking self. I needed to get her alone to talk to her, but that didn’t happen.
Kristen left once the show began and I did the same after taking a few photos with fans, slightly defeated.
~July 23rd 2008~
I arrived to San Diego with Mike the day before Comic Con. Rob had been in London for over a week and he arrived the same day. I offered to pick him up at the airport so that he didn’t have to rent a car and Mike stayed behind at the hotel.
Mike completely trusted me, but he claimed that he didn’t trust Rob. Which was, I might add, the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard. Rob had great morals and I don’t think he would ever tempt me to cheat on Mike purposely, even if he did have feelings for me, which he didn’t.
Mike was also guarded lately because of how gigantic this Twilight thing was becoming. I was scared, too. Catherine warned me and told me to pass on a warning to Rob that there was going to be “a ton” of fans waiting for us tomorrow.
I wasn’t excited; I was scared shitless. I don’t like crowds. I don’t like public speaking. This was going to be hell on Earth.
I got to the airport and waited out in my car near the exit Rob directed me to wait by.
About twenty minutes later, I saw him walking. His hair had gotten really long since the last time I saw him, almost two months ago at the MTV Movie Awards. He looked even skinnier now and he looked like he got a bit of a tan in his time off. He looked healthy and he was smiling, as usual.
I smiled back at him and honked my horn when he got closer. He jumped and banged on the outside of the car.
“Hello to you too.” He said, opening up the door. “Thanks for giving me a ride.”
He opened the back door of my mini cooper and put his bag inside and then got into the passenger seat. “Do you wanna go get lunch, catch up? It’s been so long.” I asked him, putting the car into gear.
“Yeah, I’m starving.”
“So, how was London?” I asked him.
“I didn’t stay there long. I was actually on holiday. Did you see my tan? If Summit decides on a sequel, they’re gonna want to kill me.” He laughed at the thought.
“Oh, who’d you go with?” I didn’t mean to pry, the question just slipped out.
“Just a bunch of my friends.” Was all I got.
“Well, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there are a lot. And by a lot, I mean a lot, of fans waiting for our Comic Con slot tomorrow already. Catherine said the sequel is pretty much a done deal if the early box office predictions are right from the hype.” I pulled into a little cafe and parked the car.
“That’s news to me.” He pulled at the collar of his Stoli vodka t-shirt. “I’m going to be honest. I don’t wanna fucking go to this.” He laughed, getting out of the car as I did.
We walked into the cafe together, side by side. “Me neither. I’m so nervous.” I admitted.
“Looks like I’m going to be drinking at alcoholic hours tomorrow.” He said, laughing. I laughed too.
We ordered our food and then brought it to an outdoor table. It was beautiful out.
~Next morning, Comic Con day~
I woke up the next morning and Mike was already awake, shaving at the sink in the bathroom. I went in and hugged him from behind, resting my face on the back of his shoulder and kissed it. He was so short compared to Rob.
“Good morning.” He smiled.
I patted my hands on his stomach and then dropped my arms from around his waist and took off my clothes. I took a long, hot shower, and then got ready. My nerves were already peaking - it couldn’t possibly get worse than this, could it?
I put on a Depot t-shirt, a pair of jeans with a brown belt, and a pair of sandals.
I met Rob outside my room and we took a car together to Comic Con. Mike, Catherine, and the rest of the cast that was going didn’t have to be there as early as us.
We took pictures together, then with Stephenie Meyer, Catherine, and the rest of the cast when they arrived.
Rob was drinking beer every time I saw him and I was worried for the things that he would say once the interview started, but at least his nerves weren’t as bad as mine.
“I didn’t tell you at the MTV thing, but I really like that black hair on you.” He laughed. He always started complimenting me once he was under the influence. I actually really enjoyed it, but I always told him to shut up. I dyed my hair black for me - for once, it wasn’t for a role. I just wanted a little change. I was going to change it back to brown again soon, but I was glad he liked it.
We were minutes away from going on and Rob and I started to mentally freak out backstage. We didn’t talk, we just stood there fidgeting. Jumping up and down, sitting down, shaking my leg, cracking my knuckles, freaking the fuck out.
“Ladies and gentlemen we have a really big panel for you today…” the introducer began. He started to call out members of the cast, Rob and I would be one of the last. I started to jump up and down to get rid of some of the nerves, but it didn’t work. Rob was pulling so hard at his hair that I didn’t know if he would have any left by the time they got to our names.
“Next up our two leads..” Fuck.
“Kristen Stewart!” I walked out, waving at the crazy, screaming fans, “and Robert Pattinson!” I stayed standing at my chair, clapping for him as he walked out.
The interview went well. Rob and I stayed in our little bubble, whispering and joking with each other as everyone else answered the questions.
Every time Rob spoke, I swore I would never hear again, the screams were that loud. And every time I spoke, I would get so nervous, because I could feel Rob’s gaze from my side. It was so weird how he could make me so comfortable and so nervous at the same time.
He was also good distraction from the whole audience staring at me because his eyes felt the strongest. I could see him laughing and reacting to what I was saying in my peripheral vision and it took everything to not turn around and just talk to him. It would have been easier that way, but I kept my eyes forward and probably looked like a scared little girl up there, but that was okay. I was proud of myself for being able to speak at all.
“Are they scared of something or am I really that attractive?” Rob was laughing hysterically. I think the nerves, alcohol, and excitement in the room made him even gigglier, if possible.
“You’re going to have such a big ego after this. You better not change.”
“Trust me, my ego isn’t growing from this. This is terrifying.” He was still laughing. I had to stare really hard at his lips and stay really close to him to even understand what he was saying in between his laughter.
The panel finished and we got up and took some pictures on stage with Taylor, then walked out together.
Mike was waiting for me backstage, so before I got near him, I grabbed Rob’s arm, stopping him in his tracks.
“Are you going back to LA now, or London?” I asked him.
“What are you doing, Kristen?” He ran his hands through his hair, tugging at it, then licked his lips.
I pulled my eyebrows together and laughed, thinking he was joking.
“Uh, what…?” I felt like I was about to cry. The energy in that room was playing crazy games with my head, and now…what the fuck was he talking about?
His expression changed when he detected my emotions. “Nothing. I’m going back to LA. You too, right? I’ll probably see you around. Ring me.”
I breathed in and out and then playfully punched him in the stomach. “Don’t do that again. I’ll ‘ring you’”
I smiled at him and he smiled back.
“See you soon” I called out as he walked away.
He turned around and forced another smile, waving goodbye.